I'm supposed to have let it go, but will there ever be a day when I say I have, when I won't be lying?

Currently Listening Where I Stood By Missy Higgins Where I Stood see related

Never Truly Gone...

          This show always messes with my head. It makes me face impossibilities and memories that I’m not sure I really want to face. Makes me think about Nick M., that night on the lookout when I found out that he married Erin, all the questions raging through me, and all the things I wanted to say…but he’d knocked the breath right out of me. It was like suffocating as I stood there in his arms, listening to my heartbeat, unable to focus on the blurry world around me. But I couldn’t cry on the outside, even after he was gone. That night I thought nothing would ever be okay again. It took us so many tries to say goodbye, so many endless minutes in his arms, waiting for the final moment, knowing that I would never see him again, even though I wanted to believe that nothing could really ever separate us forever. I think I knew even as I wrote it later, that it was goodbye for us. We could never be in the same room again, together again, ride together again, surprise each other again.

          The ride home was the longest, darkest drive that I’ve ever taken. He called on the way home, but the phones knew how dangerous our words could be, how long they would linger, how much doubt and questions they would fill us with…so we had reception issues. He told me he felt like getting drunk, I told him I had two bottles of Patron Silver, our tequila. I remember the night he handed me my first shot of it. We were at Dave and Busters, I was showing him off to the old Mililani crew, and I told him to get me anything but tequila. When I followed him to the bar a minute later and saw the clear liquid and the smirk on his face, I knew somehow he’d managed to find a way to get me into our usual trouble.

          I want him to be happy, always have, I guess I was just naïve enough to believe that the only way he could feel that way, truly, was when we were in each others lives. I never realized that we couldn’t be in each other’s lives, if we weren’t together. I’m not sure he ever let go of the fact that I was once Brandon’s girl, even though I think Brandon eventually realized what was happening. I never understood why I had to be punished for being his girl, when he left me, and not the other way around. When I was with Brandon the world stopped turning, and when he left me, Nick and Luke were the only reason I smiled again. I wonder how many of Brandon’s women they’ve had to pick up off the floor. Could any of them keep up with Nick at 122 on her own motorcycle? Erin maybe. Not that she was one of Brandon’s women, but I know he was planning to give her his old bike when he bought the new one. I hate how much like me she sounded like she was. Did it take away the taint of being his best friend’s girl, or was there really something amazing there that surpassed us?

          In the end I let him fade out of my life because holding on would have caused only pain for all of us. The only thing left of us now are memories that most of the time I can push to the deepest reaches of my soul. Tonight I feel a little lost. It’s hard knowing that part of you is somewhere on the same island, that you can’t go near it, never again. I could get ahold of him through Roo, but I won’t.

          I haven’t let his face into my mind for such a long time. He crept in a minute ago, my eyes filled with tears, and I can hear his voice in my head that night, the night we almost let it be true. Those hours when we were so close, and yet so much farther away than I could have ever imagined in those moments. We could never stay away, stay angry, forget what was once the only light in the darkness…but we could never fully let the light in either.

          I know it’s a piece of betrayal to write this with Rob in the other room. I hate that it seems that I love him less because I still have feelings for this man, especially because I know that I always will. I want to marry Rob, and I will. It’s not the same kind of love, but it’s a good, sweet, comfortable love, and I really believe that we’ll be happy together. He’ll be a good husband and father, and he’ll make me laugh, and he’ll take care of me when I need him most. He may not be able to read my mind, or finish my sentences, and he’ll never get on a motorcycle and race me at high speeds, but not all love has to move that fast. I realize that sometimes I forget that, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten my love for Rob, or that I’ll ever let my love for Nick get in the way of our life together. Physically he’s out of my life forever, and someday I’ll probably come to terms with that. Rob doesn’t seem to notice my melancholy nights; usually I’ll spend a couple hours in another room like tonight, get the poetic eloquence out of my head, and manage to function again.

          He should be out of the Marines this month or next, he hadn’t decided whether or not to stay in the last time I talked to him. Since Erin’s Navy they could be separated if he stays in, and he always wanted to go to school and do something with aeronautics. Course the best schools for that aren’t here either, and Erin just got stationed here last year…so who knows. Maybe he’s already gone and I just don’t know it. I can’t feel that part of me anymore, I don’t know what’s where, and I won’t go looking for information that will just cause me pain, no matter what it ends up saying. Each scenario hurts more than the last anyway…all of them remind me of what I lost.

          He’s part of the reason I asked Rob to postpone the wedding. For a while I didn’t think I could give him up. I didn’t think there would ever be a day when I didn’t spend at least a few minutes wallowing in the pain of losing what I believed to be something unbelievably amazing. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t good for me, or the man for me, or that he could ever deny everything by marrying Erin. Eventually I came to realize that we all love different people differently, and at least in my case, for different reasons. I’ve always wondered how much he told her of his past. Common sense would dictate that he would bare his soul, but I know he hasn’t. She doesn’t know about me, or about Gavin, and who knows what else he’s locked away in that vault of secrets he has a key to. I hope eventually he comes clean and she loves him just as much as she did the day he told her he would love her in sickness and in health, through everything life had to throw at them and their marriage. I hope he finally fell in love with someone he could trust with his heart again. I hope he finally feels safe, and loved, and that he’s finally free of his demons. Maybe he just passed all of the demons onto me to keep until he was ready to face them, and meanwhile I sit here and succumb to most, if not all, of them. How many horrible things has he taught me? How many lessons did I unwillingly stand by and let him drill into my soul…and can I ever unlearn them and live my life with the same passion that I used to feel for us?

Lol, well alrighty then, I guess it's been a little OVER a year...so here's my yearly update

- Rob and I are now engaged and living together in Hawaii, we've been engaged since June 28th, 2006

- I just got my M.S.W. from UH Manoa this past Sunday with STRAIGHT flippin' A's this semester :)

- I did the paperwork on my new job at family court this morning, but won't start till July or early Aug.

- My parents are now in the process of a divorce. So much for the smoothness. Daddy-O moved to FL to be with his high school ex-gf about a month and a half ago. It's been interesting.

- My doggy died about three weeks ago, on the day that my mom was directing the movers around the house to send Dad's stuff to him. Such great timing Zelda :(  Sad face :(

- My grandfather is sick so I'm going to CO with my bro and nephew next month to help out and possibly say goodbye.

- My desktop just quit on me and I just tossed it out this afternoon. Least the laptop isn't 5 years old.

Hmmm, despite how bad a year it seems like it's been (and I'm even leaving some things out)...I still feel lucky and fortunate. Rob's amazing and I'm excited to marry him! No date set yet, we had one but decided to postpone because things were/are so crazy with my family. I've got my Masters, I've got a job lined up, and I'm doing a little state-hopping in June so that will be a nice distraction. I kind of suck at relaxing so I have this long to-do list and I'm hoping that at some point I run out of things to do and just CHILL out. Good luck to me.

Exes are a thing of the past lately. Nick and I are definitely done. We got into a fight that really, really needed to be had, and we haven't spoken a word or text since. I haven't talked to Brandon in a long time either. I do still talk to his mom though. His family will be out here in February to bring him home from the Marines (he's getting out), so hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with her then (if it's okay with Brandon). I'd really like to meet his sister Ash too. His mom and sister have really been amazing through everything and they really helped when things went south.

Anyway, hopefully in another year I'll have news of a better 14 months past. I wouldn't mind a great year, or hell, lots of great years. I'm hoping nothing else piles on top and I have some time soon to get my bearings again. I hate having to pretend to be so strong when I'm not. How I became the family rock I really don't know. I feel like the biggest baby of them all.

Talk to you in a year!!!

Currently Listening True Parallels By Trust Company see related

- the war is over

     Good lord...been a while since I remembered that this site existed. Grad school and Myspace are a tad bit distracting and I've forgotten my blogging roots. I suppose the boyfriend of going on 8 months now might also be a tad bit distracting as well. I just sat here for over an hour and read a whole bunch of my old journal entries on here, taking a look at the way my life used to be. I had a complicated fucking life.

       Well, to update you on some old school stuff....the bike got sold this past Monday. Rob (my boyfriend) is moving out here in January and we're moving in together, so I sold it to pay off some of my debt. Being an adult is fun...ok, maybe not so much. But he's worth losing my toy. Nick is basically out of my life. He went to Iraq last Wednesday, and we didn't say goodbye...his fault, not mine, and no shock really. We haven't seen a lot of each other in months. I talk to Brandon every once in a while online but I haven't seen him in over a year. James moved in October, while Rob was here on leave from Iraq, and that was a dramatic goodbye which sucked...a lot...but whenever we do talk it's like we just talked yesterday...just like Chanh and I always are. I like that we don't have to talk everyday and we never lose time in a way, it's pretty nice. Kindred spirits make me happy :)

        Rob I met on hotornot last June while he was in Iraq. We started talking every once in a while, then I started hoping I'd see him online at his regular time, then always hoping I would. After about two months we started talking every single day for hours online, which led to the phone when he could but still online everyday. At the end of August we decided to make it exclusive and he flew out to meet me in October on his R&R leave from Iraq. He stayed with me for two weeks, and I discovered that although it's completely crazy how we met...we're perfect for each other in a thousand ways. So it turns out that all the male drama in the past...was worth it...because it led me to him. He got back from Iraq safe and sound in January, but unfortunately he's stationed in Kansas until he gets out of the Army in November. In the beginning of February I went home to New Jersey with him for two weeks to meet his family and travel a little along the east coast. His whole family loved me and I loved them, and I seriously met ALL of them except the handful in FL. It was pretty cool. Then just last weekend he came home with me to my mom's retirement and met a whole bunch of my family...who all adored  him! Let me just say, neither of us has ever taken people home to meet this much family...so guys, deep breath....it's pretty serious. Crazy world isn't it? I'm pretty excited, and content, and completely head over heels. We talk about marriage all the time and he's had at least one of our children named since October. Being in a long-distance relationship is really hard, but we're doing it, and we're doing it incredibly well. I've never been in a relationship with such amazing communication :) I'm so happy and gay that it's sick!

      Graduate school is tough and I can't wait for it to be over. I had no idea how hard it would be, even though I was given all those hints about it. A paper you turn in as an undergraduate and get an A on...you turn that same paper in as a graduate student and they laugh you out the door with a C. I learned all kinds of lessons first semester...but the professors all took pity on us and gave us A's and B's...though I think we deserved them for working our asses off! This semester has been SO MUCH EASIER now that I've gotten into the swing of things and re-tooled my writing abilities to reflect graduate student thinking. Picky bloody professors. I can't wait to graduate next May. Lol, oh yeah, by the way, I actually planned to go to law school after this...but now I'm thinking that I could be out of my mind. Do I want to torture myself? Rob is completely supportive of school and even law school if I decide to go, even though it would really mess with his starting school if I did. Personally I don't see how it's fair to him. Why should I get to dabble in a third degree and restrict his 1st one? It doesn't seem right to me. I need to stop hiding behind school and get my butt into a real job with real benefits. Amazing how grown up I sound. Life will do that to ya.

       My parents and brother are doing extremely well. Rough patches last year, I know, but they've really been smoothed. My parents are going to Italy...together...in a week. I'm jealous. My brother is headed to stay with me for 3 weeks starting this Tuesday.

       Basically everyone, my life is a little chaotic with school and work. Oh yeah...work. I have an internship (that pays thank heaven) where I fly to the Big Island twice a week. I fly in Monday morning, out Monday night...in Wednesday morning, out Wednesday night. Fun huh? I'm working as a foster care licensing and re-licensing worker with DHS. Basically I'm licensing and re-licensing foster homes, which is pretty cool and I'm learning a lot. I've been doing it since Sept and it ends this May. In the Fall I'll move to another internship...dunno what it is yet but I'm really hoping for this one in the judiciary since I'm into Family Law. Then I also still have my job at the Campus Center.

       Lol, okay, endless update complete....I think. I'm guessing it'll be a year before I update again. I wonder what will be happening. Leave comments with guesses, take bets...it'll be fun :)

Well, shall we go down the laundry list of the world tonight? Nick comes online Wed night last week and tells me that he needs to talk, that he's going on emergency leave the next day. I get worried and tell him to call me but he says he's on the phone with his mom. I tell him to call me when he's done, he doesn't answer, and then he signs offline a couple minutes later. So after two hours I try to call him, only his number is disconnected. I don't hear from him till Sat so I'm worried about him for days cuz no one has his new number and he moved to his friends out in Kailua so I couldn't go looking for him at the barracks. His dad is in the hospital and he gave me the new number. Still haven't talked to him on the phone but I've tried calling him and he doesn't answer. He's been emailing me though so I assume he just doesn't want to be on the phone, which is fine, long as he's semi okay. Wish I could be there for him, just to give him a hug :(

Meanwhile I went out with this guy Friday night and saw War of the Worlds. Have you guys seen that? It kicked ass but scared the hell out of me at the same time! I was crying from the son till the end of the movie it felt like. I don't know, for like two days I couldn't close my eyes without seeing the river of bodies and the girl standing there watching them go by. Seriously watch that movie if you haven't, it was DAMN GOOD! After the movie we went to Nashvilles and the guys and Rob were there, plus Mitch showed up later. It was HIGHLY HIGHLY entertaining. All the guys and Mitch were all over me all night and this guy was totally taking it in and being cool about it, I was amazed. Fricking Mitch kept trying to kiss me and I kept telling him that he was insane, that Nick would never let him get away with that if he were there. I don't know, I guess when Nick is around I'm sort of just his for that time. Sometimes I think I'm his all the time anyway, but I guess that just doesn't matter to him. God forbid he should be with the one standing right in front of him that I know he wants to be with at least some of the time when he's not talking himself out of it. Grr, stupid boy!

Next day went to the beach and mall with Teh and then to a party at the base for the guys. The guy came with me but that whole night went in a strange direction that included him as the annoyance, not the good part. He got drunk, I got pissed, and then Tim showed up and turned life upside down, as usual. We had another one of our talks about being together and ended up spending the night together, wrapped up in each others arms and doing absolutely nothing bad at all. I was completely amazed and he was so incredibly sweet. Next day he told me to call him after my safety class, which I passed with FLYING colors by the way. Called him, he was golfing so we talked for a couple minutes and then he was supposed to call me back but never did. Never answered my text msg last night or called me back today, even after I left him a message....damn stupid punk. I give up. It drives me insane that after two years we're still playing this game and he hasn't been with anyone the entire time, at least relationship wise, dunno about other than that. We actually said we were gonna do this this time too. Grrr!!!! I wanna throw something at him for disappointing me again and for me letting him. I give up.

Just 2 weeks of school left. Yeah baby!!! I'm excited! Other than that, just been cruising, trying to stay sane in the usual insanity. Spent all day today at work looking for a place for nick's friend roo to stay when she gets here the day i graduate cuz he can't over there. left her a msg. life will be highly amusing when she gets here i can tell you that. if nick hooks up with her i'll have a cow. don't quote me on that, he probably will just to spite me, even though he had a gf last time i checked. course she lives in one of the carolina's, but details, didn't stop him from leaving a hickey on my shoulder a couple weekends ago now did it? would have been worse but i kept pulling away. he was drunk, which is the only reason i didn't kick his ass. 'sigh.' i'm gonna kick his ass someday but i still adore him. catch-22 anyone? i'm such a fool.

brandon tried talking to me the other day but i wasn't online. he's deployed to japan right now but still good at fucking me up for a couple days just by saying hi and even though i didn't even talk to him. i can't believe how much i still love him and want him back. i really want the magic pill that makes me get over him right now.

alright, imma get out of this computer chair now and do something useful like clean my room. can't sulk forever. read the new harry potter by the way...it kicked ASS!!!!